It's an ugly word that I get the feeling you're not supposed to talk about. I've now been on both sides. I get it. No one knows what to say. Do you bring it up or wait for them to bring it up? Will bringing it up make it worse or better? Will it look like you don't care if you don't mention it or would they rather just hold it in? And no matter what you say or don't say it doesn't make it better. If you have cancer it would be normal to ask someone "how are you feeling today" or " how's your treatments going" or "what's the latest news from the doctor." But with a miscarriage what are you supposed to say? "How's the bleeding today?" Gross!
We found out we were expecting surprise baby #2 in October. February 26 we were supposed to have a normal first visit. I had no reason to think otherwise. No spotting. No cramping. I even told Anthony since we took a half day the day before for a builder meeting he didn't need to take off early again. Then the doctor made a strange face. The mother-to-be goody bag was taken away and she started spitting out facts, statistics, and general information. "It's normal." "1 in 3 pregnancies ends this way." "There's nothing you did or could have done." And although I know she's right there's nothing normal about how you feel in that moment or the spectrum of emotions you feel afterwards. Because I went on a Thursday we had to wait another week for the blood to confirm it. Still no symptoms to suggest she was right.
Since I had a week to prepare myself I thought I was ok. Until the call came. Then the real emotions came. Sadness. Embarrassment. Guilt. Shame. Some rational and some irrational.
Guilt is mostly what I've felt. Since this came as a surprise unlike Emi I wasn't immediately excited. We had a cruise planned for spring break and I wasn't going to be able to drink, get a massage, go snuba diving, sit in a sauna etc. My first vacation without Emi now involved another life. I complained and whined and rolled my eyes every time someone would mention their plans. So on the cruise every time I enjoyed a glass of wine, the sauna, a massage, I felt the pain of guilt that this was all I had really wanted to begin with. All those complaints. I know my complaining didn't cause a miscarriage. My child was loved despite my attitude. But guilt is powerful.
Comparison is another irrational feeling. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything different between Emi's pregnancy and this one. Some silly things and some legitimate and wondering if those caused anything. Like last time I didn't like eggs of any kind but Anthony has trained me to like eggs over easy now. I didn't realize that undercooked eggs have bacteria that can cause miscarriages. I used allergy meds because I caught a bad sinus infection. I ate the one deli meat sandwich. I helped carry a heavy mattress upstairs. I was using esssential oils that I didn't have last time. I could go on and on. Again silly but real.
Confusion. We weren't planning this. With Emi I had it down to the day. 6 weeks maternity leave that led into summer vacation. Emi was 14 weeks when she went to day care the first time. I figured if this was supposed to be, there was a reason. Then it was over. I know God's plan is good even when we don't understand.
Embarrassment. We told so many people!! Both Anthony and I aren't good with secrets so almost everyone we saw face-to-face knew. Even our home designer.
The cruise was good timing. Complicated at times as I've realized this isn't a one day process but at least there was fun going on and I wasn't allowed to sit on my couch and sulk.
We are disappointed but not destroyed. We have had high moments and low moments but after we move and get settled into our new house we'll try again. Next time we may just be a little more tight lipped until certain mile stones. We trust God's plan is meant for good and not to harm us so even though this sucks we're ok. I know I'll still have to tell my non Facebook friends face to face and we still have to tell Bella but since work starts tomorrow I figured this would be the easiest way to face it. 😊💗
